Today online, a friend who suffers from AS and Fibromyalgia confessed that she has sometimes thought to herself "... at least cancer has an end." Like opening a door in my soul, I realized that I am not alone. The following is how I replied.
I can't believe you spoke the unspeakable... "at least cancer has an end..." I am ashamed to admit that I too have often thought of that exact truth - or many like it. But you spoke it out! You can't know how much peace that brings to my heart to know that I truly am NOT the only one that has hit that level of desperation.
I go through these times, and then I'll meet someone who is so much worse off than I am, and yet still exudes the grace and love of Jesus Christ - in spite of it all, and I am once more, driven to my knees in shame before Him. I know how truly blessed I am too! How many people can boast that their sixteen year old son will meet me at the door and take everything from my hands and lead me to a chair, and literally wait on me hand and foot? How many people can say they have a beautiful and loving wife, though scared out of her mind for our future, always takes the time to tell me how much she loves me and admires me for going to work every day in spite of my pain? Blessings upon blessings... gifts up on gifts... and here I sit... thinking to myself, "at least cancer has an end..."
At times when God lovingly chastises me in my heart, I realize that I am thinking upside-down again... that I am thinking of myself before all others, and that my focus is woefully myopic. I struggle to find the blessing in it all. I struggle to understand why I'm allowed to bear this pain. I struggle with feeling anger and hurt when I think of all my wife has had to take on her already over-burdened shoulders. And I loathe myself. Not only to I think of other diseases that end, but I also think that I should unburden my family... I'm sure you get my drift... I won't speak it here... but if I were not around... well. Anyway. Once more, God has to chastise me.
When I am clear, and when I understand better the reality of my life, I see that my life is not my own. Having been bought with a price, I have no right at all to think that way - or to even complain about my life that is the Lord's. While it doesn't remove the pain, it does strengthen my resolve. If HE can bear the cross, I can bear AS. And I carry on.
God bless you Chelle for being brave enough to say those words, and give everyone of us hope.
This is me... take it or leave it.
No comments:
Post a Comment