I suppose that a little explanation is called for.
Since the debacle with "that" church, and since we shut down Shiloh, I've been increasingly aware of the fact that the majority of the people who I'd looked up to in my life, or who I always thought were good "Christian" people, were actually some of the most two-faced, evil people I've ever known. Now before you get your judgmental panties all up in a wad let me just say this - No. No? Yes, NO, I am not blaming everyone else for my lack of a Christian walk right now. And, NO, I am not saying that it's their fault that I'm not in fellowship. And finally, NO, it's not your place to judge whether, in fact, I was actually saved to begin with. THAT having been said, let me continue: After having gone through the hell we did at "that" church, and even with Shiloh, I decided that for the most part, "sinners", the unsaved, the heathens, the pagans, the unwashed masses were actually and truthfully, more forgiving, more accepting, more loving, and just kinder all around than the majority of people who confessed their undying Christ-like love for me. Perhaps that is why Jesus chose those very kinds of people to hang out with?
In all honesty, I've missed walking with God. But whenever I consider trying to find a body of believers again, or when I think of putting myself in a position to play the "I'm GREAT! Ain't God GOOD?" game, I get sick down inside. I've walked a long way in this desert I've been in, and I think I understand some of the need for a purging, a purification if you will, of what Christianity has become at the hands of pastors and teachers in this sad and pathetic day and age. Men who would look you in the eye and tell you "it's a privilege to serve God," all the while stealing the money from the offering plate to satisfy their own material greed. Or men who are so uninspired by the Word of God that they have to tell the same, worn, useless stories over and over because they aren't being filled with the "light" they blather on about. People who claim to love and support you, as long as they can dictate how you'll live every waking moment of your life. Sad people. Evil people. Masked people.
Now, no matter how sincere and genuine a person is, my heart asks me quietly if they're really that way - or if they're hiding something. I found I was always waiting for the other shoe to fall, and the mask to come off, and the "real" person to come out. I suppose you could say that my trust was shot to hell.
Now, it's true of any religion that they'll tell you the same thing: Don't look at the people in the church, keep your eye on God. But let me ask you this - if we're to be the hands of God, the feet, the mouth, the heart of God, shouldn't a real transformation change the people who are representing him? I've met a few people who I would honestly classify as "Christ-like." Just a few. Some are Christians, some are Mormons, some are Buddhists, some are Hare Krishnas - So there isn't just one "recipe" to Christ-likeness. But there is one thing they all have in common, and that's an innate sense of integrity and humility. Something I thought I possessed, and something I thought I taught. Maybe I don't have it, and maybe I didn't understand it enough to teach it - but being away from "god", and being away from "Christians" has brought me to a point where I can pass an Easter without a sunrise service, and not feel like shit about it.
Yes, I miss God. I even wonder if he misses me - but I don't miss his people. Sure, I'm painting with a broad brush - I get that. Maybe some of you might be offended by this. If that's so, then accept my sincere apology. But if nothing else, maybe this post will have caused you to think a little bit more about the life you claim to live, and with this season of Spring and renewal, make a pledge to be a little more real about your faith - whatever it is - and ask yourself if you're serving God or serving your ego, your pride, your tradition, your "family heritage", your hypocrisy or just yourself.
Yes, I miss God. But while I've been "missing" God, I think I've found a truer taste of God in my solitude and distance.
Happy Easter.
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