All I can say is, "It was a BLAST"

It's been some time since I told on myself! But after talking to a good friend of mine today, I figured it was time to let the world know that this reporter has been through the fires of adversity and made it out the other side - without eyebrows maybe, but made it nonetheless!

Guy - my friend - and I talked today, and he shared how he almost blasted himself into the great beyond by using a match to find a gas leak in his water heater! When he described the thudding explosion, the blue flames of death blasting past his face, and the unique smell of burned eyebrows, I could hardly stop laughing! I'd found a real soul mate! I thought I was the only one!

Our fireplace was sort of like this one... except ours opened like and oven!

Let me take you back to the winter of 1983. Chris and I had only been married for a few weeks, and we were living in LaVerkin in southern Utah. That winter was an exceptionally cold and wet one, and the only source of heat in the apartment we lived in was a fairly large wood burning stove. Now I'd gotten pretty good at remembering to bring wood in from the outside every night so it could dry out, but I had forgotten the night before this memorable event. One of the first purchases in our newlywed life was a full chord of firewood - knowing the winter was going to be cold! On this particular day, I'd forgotten to bring wood in the house to dry out, and we needed a fire. Remember with me if you will...

I went outside of the house, into a freezing rain storm, and brought in as big an armload of wood as I could carry. Of course, it was soaked. Typically when this would happen, I would find my trusty can of charcoal lighter fluid, and douse the wood, paper and kindling to get a FAST cheery fire going. But alas, this day would dawn with two cold newlyweds, a wet load of fire wood, and an empty can of Kingsford Lighter Fluid. DAMN!

Chris was still under the covers, and I was doing my damndest to be the good husband and make the place warm, so I embarked on a scavenger hunt through the house to try to find something flammable! Under the sink I found dish soap, bleach, Ajax - nope, nothing flammable! In the broom closet I found Pine-Sol, but nothing that would burn. Finally, in the bathroom cupboard I came across a bottle of fingernail polish remover - with a BIG WARNING in RED letters to keep it away from open flame! (A word to the wise - they put those warnings on bottles like that for a REASON! For the love of God and all that is flammable, HEED THEM!) Needless to say, I was excited about my explosive find, and quickly made for the living room.

To get an idea of this stove, it was wider than it was tall, and the door opened live an oven door, down and towards you. Because it was low, the only way to really load it, or start a fire was by kneeling on the floor in front of the opening. This will be important in a minute...

Being a Boy Scout, I know a thing or two about fire craft and such, so I made a nice little "log cabin" form out of the smaller wood, and filled the inside of it with newspaper. Around this, I arranged a few other bigger pieces... AHHH All was set for a nice cheery fire! I made sure I had the wooden matches next to me before I expertly spun the lid off the lemon scented polish remover, and liberally poured the whole bottle over the top of my stylish little cabin-of-warmth. I put the lid back on the bottle, picked up the box of matches, and while kneeling down, leaning towards the wood in the stove, I confidently struck the match and reached forward to...

Have I expressed how important it is to HEED the warnings on labels of household goods? You know, you can never be careful enough. Make sure from now on if something says, "don't drink this stuff," then DON'T DRINK IT! Likewise, if it says, "KEEP AWAY FROM OPEN FLAMES," there a pretty damn good reason for it! OK? Are we clear? OK? Alright, back to my story...


I confidently struck the match and reached forward to light the wood when there was a sudden, earth-shattering KABOOM - and I mean a K-A-B-O-O-M! and a wall of blue, angry, face-searing fire came flying towards the match, my arm, my face, and well... ME! In the micro-nano second before I consciously registered the explosion, and saw that wall of flame, I had a fleeting thought - it's really amazing I still remember it, given the circumstances, but as I was kneeling before the cast iron implement of moron reduction, I thought, "you know Mike, this could be a bad idea..." Of course such logic was a tad too late, as the rapidly exploding ACETONE vapors, made quick work of the hair on my arm, my eyebrows, my wanna-be mustache, and a ring of hair around my face!

I know it wasn't nuclear, but the explosion made me wonder if I'd ended the world...!

I was still kneeling before the fireplace, a smoking match in my hand - which was still held out to the soaking wet wood, when Chris came flying around the corner from the bedroom. I was frozen in position before the open door, my face smoking, little bits of my hair crisping and falling away, and capable of only one sound, "bluh bluh bluh..." spoken reverently and quietly to the wood, kindling, and newspaper that were not even slightly WARMED by the damned explosion!! Chris demanded to know what happened, but before I could explain, she took in the empty nail polish remover bottle, the wet wood, the smoking match, and her husband who found out that day that sphincter contol is a HIGHLY OVERRATED ABILITY, and broke into hysterical laughter... all at my expense... and richly deserved I may add!

My small inner child looked like this during my adventure!

My ears were still ringing several hours later as my darling and I sat on the couch in our cold little apartment and tried to figure out if a "comb-over" would hide eyebrows! - It didn't. I learned a valuable lesson that day however. NO, I haven't stopped using too much lighter fluid! - just ask Chris! I learned that if you're going to do something this stupid, it's better to do it alone where no one can laugh at you, and where no one else will have the same memory of you, on your knees, shaking to beat the band, and watching the little crispies that were once your eyebrows rain down like soft goose-down on your bewildered upper lip - devoid of a struggling mustache! I also learned that I was lucky not to have come out of this looking like Freddy Krueger!


So, today when I found out that Guy nearly blew himself into the great beyond, I felt an instant bond appear between us. We've faced the angry blue flames of death together, and have lived to tell the tale... Even if we have to tell it with no eyebrows!