Friday, October 09, 2009

Get Off Your Knees

I got to see one of the most amazing documentaries today. It's called, "Get Off Your Knees - The John Robinson Story." It's about a man that was born without arms from the elbows down, and with VERY short legs. It was such an inspirational story! You can check out the site here: http://www.wmht.org/index.php?s=1&b=10&p=77

After seeing this amazing man's story this morning, I feel so convicted about how I've viewed my own issues in life. I'm grateful that there are people out there who don't let their physical challenges become limitations. I think all of us can take a page from this man's life and apply it to our own.

Thanks John for being so inspiring!


Image from www.wmht.org

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Bear Grylls has NOTHIN' on me!

I've got so much to do, and I've got so many directions I'm running, I had to just stop before I continued, and share an experience and a picture with you!

About a week ago, Chris, Zach and I were up Little Cottonwood canyon, looking at the fall leaves. While we were there, Zach and I went off to explore, and found a great place that had three fallen logs over the river. As I was standing near the bank on one of these logs, I lost my balance and put my foot behind me to catch myself. Instead of coming down on hard ground however, I ended up stepping into a hole filled with dead pine branches. As I fell back, I hit a tree pretty hard with my back, and was momentarily stunned. When I tried to move however, something was holding my leg in place. I yanked my leg out of the hole, and as I did, a resounding "dead wood" "SNAP" was heard, and suddenly I was free. As I walked away, my calf was burning and I knew I'd scratched it up pretty bad. What I didn't realize is that I'd impaled myself on a branch, and had broken off the tip INSIDE MY LEG!

I reached down to see what I'd done, and ran into the branch, which was about as big around as a 10 penny nail. As I tried to pull it out, I realized it wasn't jammed in there under the surface of my skin like a big sliver, but instead, it had punctured STRAIGHT into my leg just below my calf muscle! The stick was about an inch and a half long, and was completely jammed in my leg, leaving less than a eighth of an inch sticking out. As Zach turned several shades of pale, I began trying to pull it out - but it didn't want to cooperate, and I finally had to grit my teeth, and scream while I yanked it out. Zach and I burst out in hysterical laughter, and both agreed it was one of the coolest things we'd ever seen!

After it was out, I probed the wound again, and found ANOTHER smaller branch just below it - also sticking straight into my leg. I wasn't able to grab that one, so using my trusty Leatherman, Zach grabbed on to it, and pulled it from my leg. It was only about three-quarters of an inch long, but still as thick as a framing nail! Once all the sticks were out, I pinched and pushed on it to make it bleed really well, then washed it off in the river (yes, your watershed... you can thank me later!)

Zach and I were totally thrilled by the experience, and both agree it was one of the coolest, manliest things I've ever done... Sick huh? LOL... I have to admit I did feel a little like Rambo when he had to sew himself up. I'm just glad I didn't pass out.

I got home and washed it well with anti-bacterial soap, and filled the hole with triple-anti-biotic ointment, and it's healing up just fine. It's not something I want to ever experience again, and I'm grateful it didn't hit anything vital, but come on... how many times in your life do you get to pull a branch out of your leg while screaming your war-cry into the surrounding forest? If I could grunt like Tim the Tool Man, I would! It was a very cool experience!

Where I was impaled by two sticks

Talk about a journey! HOLY COW!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

A confession... Tsk tsk tsk....

I know that everyone comes to a point in their lives with their relationship with God where they want to just throw their hands up and say, "F*** it - that's it... No more - I'm done." Mine came over a week ago, and as hard as I tried to be a non-believer, it didn't work. Damnit.

Are you shocked? I am. Why did I do it? Well, it's a long story, but it basically comes down to the frustrations of seeing every one of my family members declare they want nothing to do with God, with "Christianity", or especially, and I'm guilty here too - with Christians in general. It's all sort of a cumulative effect - being burned by people who are in positions of spiritual leadership and authority, being accused of things that you'd not only NEVER think to do, let alone accomplish the act, being railroaded into doing things that go against your nature because you felt you had no choice, and finally, being horribly judged by people who are SUPPOSED to love you MORE than judge you, and especially trying to hang on to my faith when I feel completely alone, and judged for wanting to keep the flame alive.

It finally came to a head the other night, and I decided that nothing, or more specifically, NO ONE is worth the hell and pain I'm going through trying to hold on to a dying flame. I've watched as all of my kids have expressed their disdain and disgust with "...Christians" who are nothing more than judgmental a**holes with nothing better to do than meddle in others lives - instead of looking after the proverbial "log" in their own eyes." I've seen my beloved's faith get rocked to the point where she trusts NO ONE who calls themselves a believer... and I've seen something that used to be such an amazingly "uniting" aspect of our relationship die on the vine.

Frankly, it has pissed me off.

And by way of a disclaimer, I know we're not pure as the driven snow, and we've had our times of failure, but I can say with a VERY clear conscience, that those times of failure came only after doing all we could to live with integrity and honesty, and finally no longer being able to control our hurt, disgust, disbelief and anger.

So, while I didn't give God the finger - as it were, I did pack up all my books and notes, and put them on the shelf - FULLY intending on getting boxes and putting them away, or throwing them all away, and no longer believing. While the thought of throwing out any book bothers me, I was willing to 86 all my bibles, commentaries, studies, and literally ANY thing that may have something to do with Christianity. In my mind, KARMA - doing unto others as I'd want them to do to me - was going to be the behavior of the day, but completely without God. No more. No how. No way.

Then, I made the mistake of reading something I wrote some time ago... Here on this blog in fact. Earlier this year I wrote an entry called, "Just HOW important is faith?" which contained the scripture reference from Isaiah 7:9 which says, "Unless your faith is firm, I cannot make you stand firm."

DAMNIT God! WHY did you say that? WHY did I write that? WHY did I read that? ARGHHHH!

I read that passage over and over... and couldn't get it out my head. "Unless your faith is firm, I cannot make you stand firm." And then the internal arguments started: "God? Unless MY faith is firm? WHAT?" "Why don't YOU make MY faith firm?" "Why do I have to have firm faith?" "Why don't YOU just make my faith firm?" "My faith is in the toilet... how's that for firm?"

And yet, the words still spoke to my hurting, defiant, pain-filled, and angry heart - "Unless your faith is firm, I cannot make you stand firm." Shit. That means it's a failing in ME! That means that in spite of everything that's hurt me, and everything that's made me angry, and everything that's grieved my heart, it's still up to me to keep my faith alive - and "established" as some translations say. I didn't like that thought. Inside of me I began making excuses... "It's too much to ask at this point..." "What good is being the only one in my family who is trying?" "What good does having firm faith do, when people who are clearly lacking in faith, morals, humility, and honestly are still prospering and seeing success in their lives?" "What's in it for me?"

I KNOW I'm not alone in feeling like this... and yet, "Unless your faith is firm..." It makes me want to scream out, "SHUT UP GOD! - HOW COULD YOU KNOW OR UNDERSTAND?" "YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT IT IS I'M GOING THROUGH, LET ALONE TALKING ABOUT!"

And yet, the passage remained, stubbornly replaying like a bad audio loop, "unless your faith is firm, I cannot make you stand firm." Ouch. And even more painful was the realization that He CAN possibly know. He CAN understand. And even worse, He cares that I'm in this crisis. And, if that's true, then I have a responsibility to respond to Him... and I have a need to make my faith firm. Oh crap. Another painful round of confession and repentance is in my future. I hate that.

This isn't the first time my own words have been used against me. And it likely won't be the last either - sad to say. So last night I pulled my favorite bible down from the shelf where it had been relegated to sit until I threw it away, and flipped it open to Isaiah, and had to eat a little crow, and try to wipe some spiritual "egg" off my face. Exactly HOW to firm up my faith isn't really clear to me - as there is no magic bullet to do so - but I know there are things that build faith - and one of them isn't throwing a temper-tantrum when life is handing me "faith firming" turds that taste like gravel in my mouth, or causing me more pain than I want to deal with.

So I wearily climbed back on the horse last night. God and I haven't had the "woodshed" moment yet, but I know it's coming. I know I deserve it. And who knows, maybe my butt will be firm enough that it won't hurt as bad as everything did to drive me to this point.

"Unless your faith is firm, I cannot make you stand firm."

Abba, I believe. Help my unbelief - PLEASE.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Another Person's View on Life, and What it Can Throw at You...

I found this on Christianity Today...

Three Gifts for Hard Times
What I've learned as life has taken a turn for what most people think is the worst.

Survivors of some horrible plague or battle often find themselves wracked with guilt: Why did I live while so many died? Though I had no battle scars, I used to feel a similar sense of guilt. I married the only woman I've ever loved. We have three terrific children. I have a secure job that I love and that pays well. Sometimes I would ask God: Why have you been so kind to me? Why have I gotten such an easy life?

I don't ask those questions anymore.

A little over nine years ago, while driving home from a family vacation, my car got a flat tire. When I started to change it, something nasty happened at the base of my back. Ever since, my lower back and the top half of my right leg have hurt. After two operations, dozens of injections, physical therapy, psychotherapy, and thousands of pills, my back and right leg hurt every waking moment, and most of those moments, they hurt a lot. Living with chronic pain is like having an alarm clock taped to your ear with the volume turned up—and you can't turn it down. You can't run from it; the pain goes where you go and stays where you stay. Chronic pain is the unwelcome guest who will not leave when the party is over.

A few months after my back turned south, my family and I moved when I accepted a job at Harvard Law School. Our family began to unravel. One of our children suffered a life-threatening disease, and my marriage fell apart.

Those crises faded with time but left deep scars. Early last year, in February 2008, another piece of bad news struck me: Doctors found a large tumor in my colon; a month later, films turned up tumors in both of my lungs. In the past year, I've had two cancer surgeries and six months of intensive chemotherapy. I've been off chemo for a few months, but I'm still nauseous much of the time and exhausted most of the time. Cancer kills, but cancer treatment takes a large bite out of one's pre-diseased life, as though one were dying in stages. Some of that stolen life returns when the treatment stops. But only some.

Today, my back and especially my right leg hurt as much as they ever have, and the odds are overwhelming that they will hurt for as long as this life lasts. Cancer will very probably kill me within the next two years. I'm 50 years old.

Such stories are common, yet widely misunderstood. Two misunderstandings are worth noting here. First, illness does not beget virtue. Cancer and chronic pain make me sick; they don't make me good. I am who I was, only more diseased. Second, though I deserve every bad thing that has ever happened to me, those things didn't happen because I deserve them. Life in a fallen world is more arbitrary than that. Plenty of people deserve better from life than I do, but get much worse. Some deserve worse and get much better. Something important follows: The question we are most prone to ask when hardship strikes—why me?—makes no sense. That question presupposes that pain, disease, and death are distributed according to moral merit. They aren't. We live in a world in which innocent children starve while moral monsters prosper. We may see justice in the next life, but we see little of it in this one.

Thankfully, God gives better and more surprising gifts to those living in hard times. Three gifts are especially sweet.

Redeeming Curses

First, God usually doesn't remove life's curses. Instead, he redeems them.

Joseph's story makes this point. Joseph was victimized by two horrible injustices: one at the hands of his brothers who sold him into slavery, the other thanks to Potiphar's wife, who falsely accused him of attempted rape. God did not undo these injustices; they remained real and awful. Instead, God used those wrongs to prevent a much worse one: mass starvation. When Joseph later met with his brothers, he said this about the transaction that started the train rolling: "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good." That doesn't mean that slavery and unjust imprisonment are good; rather, the point is that they produced good, and the good they produced was larger than the wickedness that was visited upon Joseph. Evil was twisted back on itself, like a gun barrel turned so that it aims at the would-be murderer firing the weapon.

Joseph's story foreshadows the central story of the Gospels. The worst day in human history was the day of Christ's crucifixion, which saw the worst possible punishment inflicted on the One who, in all history, least deserved it. Two more sunrises and the Son rose: the best day in human history, the day God turned death itself against itself—and because he did so, each one of us has the opportunity to share in death's defeat.

That is our God's trademark. Down to go up, life from death, beauty from ugliness: the pattern is everywhere.

That familiar pattern is also a great gift to those who suffer disease and loss—the loss may remain, but good will come from it, and the good will be larger than the suffering it redeems. Our pain is not empty; we do not suffer in vain. When life strikes hard blows, what we do has value. Our God sees it.

A change in suffering's character

The second gift is often missed, because it lives in salvation's shadow. Amazing as the greatest of all gifts is, God the Son does more than save sinners. Jesus' life and death also change the character of suffering, give it dignity and weight and even, sometimes, a measure of beauty. Cancer and chronic pain remain ugly things, but the enterprise of living with them is not an ugly thing. God's Son so decreed it when he gave himself up to torture and death.

Two facts give rise to that conclusion. First, Jesus is beautiful as well as good. Second, suffering is ugly as well as painful. Talk to those who suffer medical conditions like mine and you'll hear this refrain: Even the best-hidden forms of pain and disease have a reality that is almost tactile, as though one could touch or taste them. And those conditions are foul, like the sound of fingernails on a blackboard or the smell of a cornered skunk. Some days, I feel as if I were wearing clothes soaked in sewage.

Some days—but not most days, thanks to the manner of Jesus' life and death. Imagine Barack Obama putting on a bad suit or Angelina Jolie wearing an ugly dress. The suit wouldn't look bad, and that dress wouldn't be ugly. These are incredibly attractive people whose attractiveness spills over onto their clothing, changing its meaning and the way other people respond to it. If Obama or Jolie wear it, it's a good-looking outfit. If they wear it often enough, it becomes a good-looking outfit even when you or I wear it. God's Son did something similar by taking physical pain on his divine yet still-human person. He did not render pain itself beautiful. But his suffering made the enterprise of living with pain and illness larger and better than it had been before. He elevates all he touches. Just as his years of carpentry in Joseph's shop lend dignity and value to all honest work, so too the pain he bore lends dignity and value to every pain-filled day human beings live.

The Shawshank Redemption is about a prisoner convicted of a murder he didn't commit. That prisoner escapes by crawling through a sewer line until he's outside the prison's walls. The narrator describes the transaction this way: "He crawled through a river of [dung] and came out clean on the other side." God the Son did that, and he did it for the likes of me—so that I, too, and many more like me, might come out clean on the other side. That truth doesn't just change my life after I die. It changes my life here, now.

The God Who Remembers

The third gift is the most remarkable. Our God remembers even his most forgettable children. But that memory is not the dry, lifeless thing we feel when one or another old friend comes to mind. More like the passion one feels at the sight of a lover. When Jesus was dying, one of the two convicts crucified with him said this: "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom" (Luke 23:42). Jesus responded by telling him that he would be in paradise that very day. As we use the word remember, that story sounds off, as though the thief on the cross and the Son of God were talking past each other.

The story sounds off because to us, remembrance merely means "recall"—I remember when I connect a student's name to her face, or when I can summon up some fact or the image of some past event. That kind of remembrance is a sterile enterprise, lacking both action and commitment.

In the Bible, remembrance usually combines two meanings: first, holding the one who is remembered close in the heart, and second, acting on the memory. When God repeatedly tells the people of Israel to remember that he brought them out of Egypt, he is saying much more than "get your history right." A better paraphrase would go like this: "Remember that I have loved you passionately. Remember that I have acted on that love. Hold tight to that memory, and act on it too."

Job understood the concept. Speaking with God about what would follow his own death, Job utters these words: "You will call and I will answer you; you will long for the creature your hands have made. Surely then you will count my steps but not keep track of my sin" (14:15-16). Notice how memory and longing are fused. Job longs to be free of his many pains, which occupy his mind like a sea of unwanted memories. God longs for relationship with Job, and Job knows it: hence, his belief that the Lord of the universe remembers each of his steps. He is the Lover who will not rest until his arms enfold the beloved. To Job, the curses Satan has sent his way are a mighty mountain that cannot be climbed, an enemy army that cannot be beaten. In the shadow of God's love, those curses are at once puny and powerless.

Philosophers and scientists and law professors (my line of work) are not in the best position to understand the Christian story. Musicians and painters and writers of fiction are much better situated—because the Christian story is a story, not a theory or an argument, and definitely not a moral or legal code. Our faith is, to use C. S. Lewis's apt words, the myth that became fact. Our faith is a painting so captivating that you cannot take your eyes off it. Our faith is a love song so achingly beautiful that you weep each time you hear it. At the center of that true myth, that painting, that song stands a God who does vastly more than remember his image in us. He pursues us as lovers pursue one another. It sounds too good to be true, and yet it is true. So I have found, in the midst of pain and heartache and cancer.

William J. Stuntz is the Henry J. Friendly Professor at Harvard Law School.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A Whole New Life

As I've struggled over the last eight years with diagnosis after diagnosis, and one pill after another, I realized today that what the Destroyer wanted to use for ill in my life, God has turned around and has used for His glory and His good in my life.

For years now I've been walking around in what I like to jokingly refer to as an "opiated haze" - numb to feelings and emotions, deadened to smells, sounds, tastes and sights. I was putting too many spices on my food to give it taste - ANY taste; I was burying my nose in things to detect the subtlety in aromas; I was turning my head left and right trying to detect sounds that others had no problem hearing; and I was blinded to the simple things that make life worthwhile.

As I've come off Morphine and Oxycodone, these senses have awakened with a vengeance! Suddenly coffee smelled so potent that I was unable to drink it, and my food began taking on tastes so foreign to me as to be virtually unpalatable. The phone and the alarm clock were painfully loud, and any light at all was too much light for my eyes. Soaps I'd used for years were suddenly overwhelming to my sense of smell. Music I'd loved became clamorous and jangling to my nerves. All in all, it was like living inside a odoriferous, sour, loud, light-filled Rubik's Cube - where every change and combination only served to heighten my discomfort.

Chris explained this all to me from a physiological point of view, telling me that my cells had built up an exceptional amount of ectoplasmic reticuli - or some damn thing - in an attempt to filter out the poisons I was ingesting each time I faithfully took my daily meds, and that this additional "ER" - as she called it - suddenly found itself without a job, and was making ALL of my cells crave toxins so the stalwart ER would have something to do - hence my heightened and jangled senses.

Needless to say, it's been less than fun, and more than challenging.

But here's some amazing things: I've found out that I have been DRAMATICALLY over-medicated all these years. (And here you thought I was just slow on the up-take!). I've discovered that one-quarter of an oxycodone - a lowly 7.5mg - works as well as 200mg of Morphine PLUS TWO (2) 30mg Oxycodones on top of it! I've discovered that a small handful of Ibuprofen (affectionately called "Vitamin I") and a hot shower do more to relieve stiffness than popping a Zanaflex, or a Flexeril. I've discovered that being exhausted from a long day of helping others is a much better sleeping pill than Tamazapam or Lunesta. And - forgive me in advance - I've found that using the bathroom doesn't require Senecot, Docalax, or Milk of Magnesia - and that going every single day is a NORMAL thing. (I asked you to forgive me already!)

On a different tack, I've also discovered that I REALLY can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Not that I recognized His strengthening hand in the midst of it all, but looking back on things, it's patently obvious. According to the Drug Abuse Warning Network (DAWN), an office within the US Department of Health and Human Services, and specifically, their Office of Applied Studies, opiate narcotics are the number ONE substance in drug related deaths in the United States. In 2007 alone, Salt Lake County - in our humble little white-bread Mormon outpost of a city - 19.3 deaths in every 100,000 people were directly attributed to opiate narcotics - be they accidental overdoses, suicides, or intentional poisonings! 1,067,722 people lived in Salt Lake County during 2007 - that means that 206 people died that year with opiates being the primary contributing cause. Statistics are sketchy on the number of them who died while in withdrawal, but a local center told me that the chances of experiencing a "life threatening emergency situation" during opiate narcotic withdrawal was "... more likely than not..." and that unattended withdrawal (meaning going cold turkey on your own), results in death "... more often than we'd like to admit."

Can I call my survival a miracle? Well, based on this information, I'd say that I was certainly strengthened throughout by Jesus Christ, and that His divine intervention may well be the only reason I'm here today. I'm reminded of Romans 8:28 which says, "And we know that all things work together for GOOD to those who love God and are called according to His purpose..." and I can certainly apply Jeremiah 29:11 which tells me that God's thoughts toward me are NOT for evil, but for a future and a hope. I think it may be overly dramatic to say that, "I'm lucky to be alive..." but when you speak those words in the face of reality, and of statistics, and of those 206 people who are NOT here to share - maybe it isn't so far fetched after all?

Life is certainly getting better. Coffee doesn't stink any more - Thank God! My hearing is pretty much back to normal, my eyes are as blind as they were before, and food has begun to taste - well, like food again. I have a beautiful wife, three amazing kids, a few pets, and air in my lungs. To quote Anthony Bordain - "life is clearly not sucking."

And the best part of it all? It's not sucking - without opiate narcotics.

It truly has been a journey.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Surely there must be a reason for it all?

Do you ever wonder why you are singled out for something in your life? As though someone had dipped their hand into a cosmic raffle jar and pulled out your name and suddenly your life was turned upside down, or suddenly you find out your sick with something incurable, or your job and security suddenly vanish? Do you find yourself wondering what you may have done - if this is the big ol' cosmic karma roller coaster ride, and it's your turn to find yourself bound and struggling on the tracks? Do you ever in your quiet time turn your eyes heavenly and ask the forbidden question, "why me, God?" Do you ever find yourself wishing for the end? Hoping for release?


You are not alone.

Times like this can try even the best of us. Job - a man that GOD said was without sin and perfect - found himself asking these kinds of questions. He found himself wishing he had died at birth! He found himself wishing to simply die and have done with it all. Often times we mistakenly think that if it can happen to an upright man like Job, then it's patently obvious it would happen to us. But just because it happened to Job, why would we naturally assume that we're more deserving than he was of testing? Of pain? Of hardship? Of loneliness? Of being hurt, betrayed, or slandered?

"Friends" would tell you that possibly you deserve it for some past wrong. Others may suggest it's the result of unrepentant sin in your life. Yet others may say you're only getting what you deserve. But let me ask you - does that make the enduring of such trials any easier? Not at all. Where are the friends that will simply come and sit beside you in silence and endure the long hours with you? Where is the family that's supposed to support you and not judge you? Where is God when all of this is going on? Why does it seem as though you're in it on your own?

It's because we tend to assume the worst of God, and believe the lies the Accuser whispers in your ear. "You deserve this." "What goes around comes around." "Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind." "You don't deserve better."

They really are lies, you know.

God's heart for us is tender, compassionate, and loving. Does that mean that there won't be consequences of sin in our lives? Of course not - but our consequences are not God's punishments. Like a loving father, God will drive foolishness from our hearts with the rod of correction, but he never leaves us in our sorrow or pain. Jeremiah - the "weeping prophet" understood what God's heart is for His children. The Lord revealed to him His love and compassion when He said, "For I know the plans I have for you... they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jer. 29:11)

Can God lie? No. It is impossible for Him to do so. So, can we believe Him? Certainly. He went on to share more with Jeremiah when he said, " In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you! I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes! I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and I will bring you home again to your own land." (Jer. 29:12-14) Some would say that this pertains only to Israel - and it certainly did when Jeremiah received these things, but as believers, we can claim the promises given to Israel of old, and we can trust in their fulfillment in our experiences.

Times are hard. People are out of work. There is untold suffering in this world, and yet, it is NOT God's plan for us. Does He allow things to happen in our lives to draw us to Him? To teach us? To correct and direct us? Absolutely. But His plan for us to give us a future and a hope.

A future and a hope you say? Yes - exactly that. We live in a horribly fallen world. There is a lot of pain and suffering - but our future - and that which gives us hope, is knowing our place in the Kingdom of God. As heirs with Christ, the home God spoke of - the one He will bring us home to? That's His Kingdom. It's ours through the process of adoption, and through the shed blood of Christ.


A study done by John Hopkins Medical Center recently, showed that patients who were given hope and encouragement had a more than 75% rate of successful recovery, as compared to only 17% of patients in the control group. Hope is powerful. Hope keeps people alive through difficult, life-threatening, dangerous, or even painful experiences. Study after study has shown that persons in life or death survival situations who exhibit hope, stand a greater chance of survival than those who give up this precious and powerful gift.

Life on this ball of dirt can really suck. I know from personal experience. You do too. But standing on faith and securing an unshakable hope can make all the difference in the world. After all, aren't we told that, "God makes all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose?" (Rom. 8:28) So maybe in the end, all of our pain, heartache and sorrow in this life, will be the very tools the Lord uses to work immeasurable good in our lives, the lives of those around us, and just perhaps someone who hasn't met Him yet?

There has to be a reason for it all. I choose to believe it will be that God needed to shape me more, and make me more like Him.

Just a thought.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

You really must read this site...

Not to tell you how to live your life, or how to walk with God - however comma, THIS is an article that everyone who is walking with the Lord should read. I think it's time we got down to earth, and get real. This is amazing.

Go check out this article: http://freebelievers.com/blog-entry/spiritual-porn-addiction

Personally, I think it's time I dumped some of the conventions I've held. I think it's time to be more real about the Lord.

Blessings,


Mike

Thursday, July 16, 2009

My Cat Thinks I'm a Chair

One of the reasons I love this cat, is he likes to be on top of things... LITERALLY!

"Yes, human, you are my throne... get used to it."

I was talking to Chris and working on a computer problem, and my cat decided it needed to lounge upon me... Ahhh where would we be without animals in our lives? I love him!

For some reason, he likes to sit his bum on your head...

Like a leopard, he likes to dangle his paws on either side of you!

"As We Forgive" - A movie you should try to see...

I saw one of the most amazing films last night. It's called "As We Forgive." It's about the genocide in Rwanda that took place in the early 90s. For those of you not familiar with that massacre, or if you've heard about it and don't know what it was all about, I'd like to share some things with you.

As many of you know, I was in the Air Force Intelligence Directorate at Scott AFB, Illinois. I wasn't a dedicated intelligence resource however, but I made briefings which outlined the infrastructure status in countries we may need to move troops or supplies in to. I briefed the four-star general there every week about the roads, railroads, power, natural gas, airports etc. that a certain country possessed which would support our various ships, and aircraft. One of the reasons I opted to leave the Air Force was because of the genocide in Rwanda. I remember everyday having to be subject to CIA and the NSA's briefings on how many people were killed everyday, and of course, we were made to look at all the horrid pictures and video clips of people butchering eachother with machettes, axes, hammers, or even heavy clubs. It was brutal. I was completely losing my faith in man-kind. How could you be so calloused as to hack someone to death with a machette, regardless of sex or age.

Rwanda is in the heart of Africa

The crux of the issuse was this - there are two predominant people groups in Rwanda - the Hutus and the Tutsi tribes. The Hutus had traditionally been the farmers, the laborers and the lower class. They were darker skinned, more heavily lipped, nostrilled, and eyebrowed. Whereas, the Tutsis had lighter skin, finer features, with more of an asian cast to their features, and had traditionally been the ruling class, and had little but contempt for the Hutus. Initially, these two peoples had lived next door to each other for generations, and had many cross-marriages, and relationships. Then suddenly the Hutus were incited to revolt, and initiated the worst barbaric genocide I've ever seen. "Official" reports say that 800,000 Tutsis died, and half again as many Hutus. Over a million people were ruthlessly butchered in the most barbaric way.

Some skulls of the victims of this genocide

Now, here's the most amazing part. The majority of people in Rwanda - on both sides of the argument, are all CHRISTIANS! When all the murderes were rounded up and imprisioned, the jails could not hold them any longer, and so the president of Rwanda released all of the attackers who had confessed their crimes and expressed remourse and sorrow. This shocked the country. Buth then, the miracle happened. The church got actively involved with the process of forgiveness and reconciliation, and have created an atmosphere of peace, cooperation, love and forgiveness that is unparallelled in our history. The country is at peace. The Hutus and the Tutsis are once again living in harmony, and the movie shows how the murderes of families have been reconciled to their victims surviving families, and are spending their lives showing them how sorry they are for their crimes. The Tutsis on the other hand, have had to forgive and accept the Hutus pleas for forgiveness.

I sat there completely stunned at what I watched. One example was of a man who murdered the father, mother, and siblings of one woman's family, literally leaving her alone in the world. The show followed his confession, and his asking to be forgiven, and how hard it was for the gal to accept it. She was angry... But she said that she kept praying that the Lord would teach her to love and forgive this man who had brutally murdered her ENTIRE family. Now the man has built her a house, and is helping her with her farming, and has made sure that she is never in want. They openly love eachother, and give the praise to the Lord for their reconciliation.

The amazing part of it all is that the president of the country said flat out that had they not all trusted in the mercy and grace of the Lord to get them through this time, the country would still be divided. The whole show basically was one long documentary on REAL CHRISTIANITY. How many of us in this country could find it in ourselves, or have even been exposed to this kind of radical forgiveness... how many of us could do it? I don't believe I could. I was moved to tears to see the extend of God's healing power and the power of forgiveness.

I HIGHLY recommend you find a way to watch this show. I saw it on channel 115 on cable - PBS's "WORLD" channel... look and see if it may be broadcast again... it is ABSOLUTELY WORTH seeing more than once!

You can find the website here.

Check it out if you can!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

I've just had a brush with eternity!

Dramatic title, huh?

What I'm talking about though, is the wonderful Father's Day gift I received from my beloved and my youngest, Zach! They blessed me with two months of oil-painting lessons from one of Utah's best artists - She is currently painting all the portraits of the Federal Judges in Utah!

Anyway, I've always wanted to paint in oils! I've painted a lot in watercolors, and done a lot of digital stuff, but always dreamed of learning to paint in oils. So, the first night was great. Our assignment was to paint a tree. We were shown many different styles of trees done by other artists to get ideas, and then we were cut loose!

I had to laugh while I was doing this... I was imagining Bob Rosse (sp?) putting a "happy little branch here, and maybe his little friend goes there..." and realized I was doing the same thing. I suddenly became very self-conscious and reflected on how I was acting... I peeked around the class and was relieved to see there were other "Rosse-ites" in the class as many of them appeared to be putting their "happy little something or others" here and there, and following it up with a "lovely puffy cloud" swish, followed by a self-approving little nod. I WAS NOT ALONE! I finished my tree... with some embellishments, and had time to brush in an awesome background on a new canvas for next week's class... it's a wonderful gradation in red... and the brush strokes that make oils so wonderful, are fascinating to me... any way, I gush...

Anyway, I thought, if for no other reason than my own self-amusement and interest, that I would post my assignments here, and hope for feedback? And to record any improvements... IF they come! Check them out!

Red fade brush stroke details

Assignment #1: Paint a tree... It turned out to be an old oak with Spanish moss...

Another view of the red fade and brush strokes

Detail of the tree... No, they're not fence posts...

Tree painting shown from a distance for perspective

A very fast test painting in Corel Painter X - first time using the Bamboo Wacom Tab

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Going forward, I hope I can resist the urge to remove my ear!

Van Gogh's Starry Night

My Father's Day this year was amazing. My beloved and my youngest son got together and purchased two months of oil painting classes for me! They start tomorrow! I have always wanted to paint in oils, but never had the money or the self-confidence to pick it up and try. I've always worked in watercolors - they make more sense to me, but with oils you can do so much more!

I have dreamed about oil painting, and now I'm going to have the chance to learn how. Something inside of me tells me that I'm going to really like it, and that it will make sense to me, and that I'll keep painting for life.

Thank you so much family for your love and your thoughtfulness! I won't let you down!

Now, where did I put that 10W-30? Let's get painting!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Guess what?! The Well is STILL full of LIVING WATER!

You know, there are just times when you have to "man-up" and call it like it is... and in the spirit of doing so, I have a confession: I have neglected to gather together with the saints - "...let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near..." (Heb. 10:25) My reasons for doing so are my own, and believe me, they're as lame as you assume them to be - but today, I took that first step to put aside my flesh, and my feelings, and my dislikes, and my fear, and I went to church.

City Church is a new little church meeting in a strip mall. They've done a great job with their space, and the worship is awesome. It allows for reverent soul-searching moments, as well as the fist-pumping excitement that comes from knowing you're redeemed. It's only the second time I've gone there - the first being with Guy Adams, one of my best friends - and today they had a guest speaker. Was it perfect? Was it everything I hoped it would be to supernaturally drag me back into the presence of the King? Well, no - but it was good. And I learned some things, and most importantly, God met me there - and laid His Word on my heart... and I came away more in His presence than I have been in some time.

Why now? Why did I choose to do this today? Well, the answer to that is two-fold. First, I've been blessed to be able to write a column for Examiner.com - covering the Christian scene in Salt Lake City - I'm the Salt Lake Christianity Examiner. Now you tell me... how effective do you think I'll be in that position if I'm not plugged into the body of believers in Salt Lake? Not very effective at all.

Second, the reason I chose now, is I'm tired of using all my past hurts and disappointments as an excuse to exclude corporate worship from my agenda. It's true, I love being anonymous at City Church... little or no baggage comes with sitting there listening to the pastor - but if the truth is to be known, I love Jesus Christ. I'm a believer. I'm saved by the blood of the Lamb, and my name is written in the Lamb's book of Life... this I know. So today for me was more than just covering a beat... it was reconnecting in a public way with the Savior of the world - who died for me. Hebrews 12:1-4 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting Him, He endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now He is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne. Think of all the hostility He endured from sinful people; then you won't become weary and give up. After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin." Yes, after all, I haven't yet given my life in my struggle against sin. And in spite of all of this, I can go to the well, and still receive living water!

I'm NOT saying I'm wonderful, or that I deserve some kind of praise for getting off my spiritual duff and giving my Lord His due in my life. I'm confessing my sin and my lack of endurance, and sharing this one small victory I had in the Lord. I'll be blunt. Today's service wasn't a memorable one - one that will live in my heart as a "most impacting spiritual experience ever!" Factually, I'll likely forget everything in due time - but what all of this signifies is a step in obedience to Him - who has done so very much for me.

Yes, it's a journey - and I'm not alone. Come Lord Jesus, Come!



Thursday, April 23, 2009

I have fear... and I get what it means...

Well, today's the big day. I have an interview with a wonderful international company called "The Waterford Group." The position is for an instructional designer. I can do the job - no doubt about it, but it's a little frightening to be going to an interview. I've had very FEW interviews in my life - having been fortunate enough to be able to go from one position to another through my network, or by word of mouth, or by popular demand. So yes, I'm scared.

This is how I'm feeling inside...

I am trying not to give into fear. But if I can be so honest and straight forward with you, it just seems that it's all too good... that things are coming together for me... and I don't want to jinx it. I don't even believe in things being jinxed, but being an avid baseball fan, I know better than to disrespect the streak. I am qualified. I can do the job. I trust that God has his plans for me... that they're good plans... that He isn't out to keep me down, hurting and unemployed.

Speaking of God... every time I start getting freaked out, I hear in the back of my head, "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, for he trusts you." (Isaiah 26:3) I guess this is called stepping out in faith... I'll let you know how that works out!

Thank you Linz for helping me make this happen. Thank you Chris for your words of encouragement. Thanks Rob and Guy for your prayers. Thanks all of you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. Most of all, thank you God. There's too much to say thank you for Lord, but I know you know what I mean.

It's a journey!


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I've got a writing gig I'm excited about!

I recently was accepted as the new Salt Lake Christianity Examiner for Examiner.com! I am really excited about the opportunities it will afford me within the local Christian community, and amongst those I fellowship with and love.

You can view the Salt Lake Examiner by simply typing in "www.examiner.com" and Examiner will automatically load the closest city to you. You'll be able to find my articles and my homepage on their site here.

I'm contracted to write three or four articles a week, and those of you who know me, and would like to offer a suggestion for a story, please let me know!

I'm excited... and I'm looking forward to the future!

Where to begin with all that's happened?

Ahhhh - The Breakfast of Champions!

I've been horribly lax in keeping up this blog, as well as keeping up my personal journal, and in keeping in touch with my loved ones and friends. I can't, nor will I post an excuse - I really don't have one other than those you've heard a thousand times before.

So - let's catch up, shall we?

My last post about a fatty liver wasn't well received by a lot of people. I sort of sprung it on everyone, and just let it sit. I didn't call anyone to tell them about it, and I didn't go beyond that post much because so much is up in the air. Update on the fatty liver - I'm going in on the 11th of May to see the liver specialist up at the VA and possibly have a biopsy done. I'll know more then. I do know that this certainly signals the start of a new life of diet and exercise. The good news is that Chris wants to do this together, so that will be more helpful.

Where am I now? Well, I've been flaring with the wave-like pattern of stormy weather we've been having, which has quite nicely done two things to me: First, it's caused me to have to take more meds that I like, resulting in excessive fatigue, and irritability. Second, it's made me even more determined to get to the bottom of my diagnosis, and get on track to getting my life back.

OK - here's the new stuff: The doctors at the VA have taken extensive x-rays, performed a CAT scan, and an MRI of by spine and lumbar, and hips and pelvis. From all appearances, they have concluded that aside from some arthritis is my back, it would seem I am AS free. This is awesome! But at the same time, it's disconcerting, because AS seemed to explain the pain, stiffness, energy loss etc. The latest shot in the dark is going to follow a two fold track - first, they're going to begin MEGA doses of vitamin D - of which I have a severe deficiency. Apparently, a severe Vit D deficiency can cause your bones to lose calcium - well, my body can't absorb calcium from my food etc, so it's been robbing my bones for it. The doctor said this could account for the extreme bone and joint pain. In addition, they've told me that the initial sarcoidosis attack that started all of this SEVEN YEARS AGO, likely caused my body to develop a case of Fibromyalgia (FM). So, they plan to treat the bone loss, and Vit D. deficiency, and attack the FM with some of the latest meds they've come out with.

Now, many of you will ask, "Why haven't you said anything about this!? This is exciting!?" Well, I know it sounds corny, but I didn't want to believe it could be so easy. After all these years and tests, for it to come down to a vitamin deficiency and FM, just seemed to miraculous. And frankly, I didn't want to jinx things by saying this is what it is. Unless you've been here, you may not understand that one... Frankly, I'm having a hard time believing it too. I'll have to see how I feel after the mega vitamin D gets here and I start down that path. It's almost too much to hope for that I could again lead a normal life - mostly free of pain, and fatigue! It's just almost too much to even hope for!

So - the fatty liver may or may not be a problem. It could be controlled through diet and exercise, or, it could be controlled by dropping some of the many medications I hopefully won't need in the near future. I can't imagine how hard my liver must be working to process all the narcotics and chemicals in my system... ugh! The doctor said that some people live all their lives with a fatty liver and it never harms them. Hopefully, we've caught this in time and there's no lasting damage!

There you go. You're caught up. To those I've hurt by being so unavailable, I offer my sincere apologies. This is what happens when you're living my life and taking my journey. Thanks for being patient. Below is an apology recorded just for you!


Wednesday, April 08, 2009

A Fatty liver? - WHAT THE HELL?

I came back from the Doctor yesterday, and without putting much thought into it, I vented on Facebook, and ended up freaking a whole lot of people out... The doc was concerned about the high liver count I had, and while I'm free of Hep C or Hep B, it turns out that I have a "fatty liver" which, according to the doctor, isn't good. I'm being seen by the liver specialists up at the VA - don't know when yet, they have to call me.

While doing some reading on the whole mess, of course there is the OMG, the world is coming to an end, scenario, and just as interesting, it could completely resolve itself with changes in diet, and exercise, and avoiding alcohol - which I pretty much do already.

Being that I don't drink to speak of, the doctor asked if I had been a heavy drinker in the past. I told him of when I was stationed in Iceland, and how of the 365 days I was up there, I drank to intoxication almost every one of those days - but when I came home, I literally just stopped. I asked if that could have done this, and he said he didn't know. I asked if this could be the result of my liver trying to process all the damn chemicals I have to take every day, and he said it very well could be the reason... in other words, it's entirely possible that the meds I'm taking to give me a somewhat quality of life, could be killing my liver, and hastening the inevitable.

I've had time to digest it a little bit, and while I'm not dispairing of life, I am pissed. I am SO SICK of this shit. I want to scream. I am really really sick of this bullshit. I'm pissed. There it is.

I don't have much more to share regarding the Dx, as they haven't told me anything definitive, but the doc showed me my liver on my CAT scan and my MRI, and what should be a dark mass, looks likght grey, with lots of spots through it... If left unchecked, it can cause scarring and eventual cirrhosis of the liver - where so much scar tissue is present, that the liver cannot function any longer - possibly requiring a transplant. The Doc's exact words when he was looking at my liver in the images was, "Hmmm that's not good."

So, while I'm not dead yet, my body systems seem to be failing me. I'm having a very hard time seeing the glass half full right now.

The symptom is called NAFLD - or Non Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease, or "NAFLD" - the danger being that it could turn into "NASH" - Non Alcoholic SteatoHepatitis. Here are some details:

"NAFLD refers to a group of conditions where there is accumulation of excess fat in the liver of people who drink little or no alcohol. The most common form of NAFLD is a non serious condition called fatty liver. In fatty liver, fat accumulates in the liver cells. Although having fat in the liver is not normal, by itself it probably does not damage the liver. A small group of people with NAFLD may have a more serious condition named non-alcoholic steatohepatitis (NASH). In NASH, fat accumulation is associated with liver cell inflammation and different degrees of scarring. NASH is a potentially serious condition that may lead to severe liver scarring and cirrhosis. Cirrhosis occurs when the liver sustains substantial damage, and the liver cells are gradually replaced by scar tissue (see figure), which results in the inability of the liver to work properly. Some patients who develop cirrhosis may eventually require a liver transplant (surgery to remove the damaged liver and replace it with a “new” liver)."

A diagram showing the progression


A picture showing from L to R, normal liver, fatty liver, and cirrhosis liver

A really good website that explains this process very well can be found here: http://www.thelivercentre.com.au/development/fattyLiver/default.htm

So, in spite of the "Woe is me, the sky is falling" sound of this post, a fatty liver can resolve itself, and be absolutely harmless. - But on top of every other damn thing in my life right now, it wasn't welcome news... so there you have it - The REST of the story!

Friday, March 13, 2009

You know? It's safe to say that America is in a bad spot...

As I was "Stumbling" through the internet today, I happened across this article, and I've provided the link as well... If this is the sort of leaders we're going to for spiritual direction and truth in the modern Christian church, it's NO wonder this Nation is too proud to bend the knee, and humble themselves - They've been told they're ok the way they are. Sad.

This article can be found here:
http://www.christianpost.com/.

Survey reveals majority of clergy in every mainline Protestant denomination do not believe in the inerrancy of the Bible

A majority of clergy from mainline Protestant denominations are much more likely to identify as liberal than conservative, according to a new in-depth survey.

Almost half (48 percent) of all surveyed clergy from the seven largest mainline denominations say they are liberal while 34 percent identify as conservative. Also, 56 percent of mainline clergy identify with or lean toward the Democratic Party, compared to 34 percent of those who affiliate with the Republican Party, results from the Mainline Protestant Clergy Voices Survey (CVS) show.

The survey, released Friday, was conducted by Public Religion Research and is reported as the largest survey of mainline clergy in seven years and the broadest ever in scope. The research group, which studies the intersection of religion, values, and public policy, surveyed senior clergy from the United Methodist Church, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, American Baptist Churches USA, Presbyterian Church USA, Episcopal Church, United Church of Christ, and Christian Church (Disciples of Christ).

With the exception of United Methodist and American Baptist clergy, a majority of clergy in every denomination identify as liberal. Clergy from United Church of Christ (74 percent) and the Episcopal Church (66 percent) are most likely to say they are liberal.

Dr. Robert P. Jones, president of Public Religion Research, noted that mainline Protestants have been moving slowly away from the GOP since the early 1990s and trending Democratic in recent years.

Although the report highlights that mainline Protestants constitute sizeable portions of each party's vote and have become a potential swing constituency in many states, they are also "arguably the most neglected of the major religious groups in the American religious landscape."

"Mainline Protestants are probably the most under-examined major religious group in the United States," Jones said in a statement.

According to the report, mainline Protestants are often overlooked because of significant membership losses since the 1960s as well as their lack of prominence in the public spotlight.

But the report stresses that they make up 18 percent of all Americans and remain a critical part of the American religious landscape.

In addition to political issues, the research firm surveyed mainline clergy on theological and social issues.

According to survey results, two-thirds of mainline clergy disagree that "the Bible is the inerrant word of God, both in matters of faith and in historic, geographical, and other secular matters." Only 29 percent of mainline clergy agree with the statement.

A majority of clergy in every denomination except the American Baptist Churches USA do not believe in the inerrancy of the Bible, with clergy from the Episcopal Church least likely to believe so.

When it comes to prioritizing political and social issues, mainline clergy are most likely to say social welfare issues are the most important issues facing the country that the church should address. Only 10 percent say cultural issues such as abortion and same-sex marriage are the most important national issues.

Notably, only 13 percent of mainline clergy say moral or church problems, such as membership loss, are the most important problems for the church to address. American Baptist and United Methodist clergy, meanwhile, report that moral or church problems are most important.

When citing possible causes of membership losses, 46 percent of mainline clergy disagree that mainline churches are declining because they are becoming theologically liberal; 38 percent agree. American Baptist clergy (51 percent) are the most likely mainline group to credit the decline to theological liberalism in the church while only 19 percent of UCC clergy agree.

The report also breaks the stereotype that mainline Protestants are more focused on social justice and sociopolitical action than individual morality and evangelism.

According to the survey, 69 percent of mainline clergy believe that religious communities should concentrate on fostering both social justice and individual morality. Only 19 percent say religious communities should focus more on social justice; 12 percent say they should concentrate more on individual morality.

Also, 51 percent of clergy say both sociopolitical action and evangelism are equally important. Thirty-nine percent say evangelism is more important and 10 percent say sociopolitical action is more important in the mission of the church.

Other findings:

  • 51 percent of all mainline clergy support the legality of abortion in all or most cases
  • 65 percent support either same-sex marriage or civil unions
  • 54 percent do not support the teaching of creationism alongside evolution in public school biology classes
  • 43 percent disagree that evolution is the best explanation for the origins of life on earth
  • 78 percent agree that the federal government should do more to solve social problems
  • 67 percent agree that government should guarantee health insurance for all citizens, even if it means raising taxes
  • 65 percent agree that the U.S. should maintain a strict separation of church and state


The Mainline Protestant Clergy Voices Survey builds upon earlier studies of mainline clergy in 1989 and 2001.The sample was generated by obtaining a random sample of 1,000 senior clergy from each of the seven largest mainline Protestant denominations. The survey was mailed to clergy between March 3 and September 15, 2008. The final data was based on 2,658 respondents.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Too funny to resist...

I saw this online, and in that it's a running joke in our family, I couldn't help but put it here... Congratulations... You've been Rick Rolled!

Ahhh... it all makes sense now!

The other day was particularly painful for me... and I spent the majority of my day in pajamas and not far from the recliner or the bed. It had been in the mid 60's, and suddenly yesterday we awoke to this!:





Just a couple days before I'd remarked in my journal that March had come in like a lamb... the day I wrote that, we were in the low sixties... very spring like... beautiful! Then, the clouds rolled back in, and more snow came our way. It's supposed to do the same thing this weekend... and I have to say that my bones agree with that forecast!

So, if March came in like a lamb, and immediately turned into a lion, does that mean March will be mellow for the rest of the month, or does that mean that this is only a taste of things to come? Hmmm.

Monday, February 23, 2009

"Cottage cheese, Cottage cheese, ooohhhmmmm....

Or, "How some funky '70's style meditation and the sweet milky goodness of cottage cheese helped me through a difficult time."

Weird title, I know. When I was in high school a friend of mine told me about TM or Transcendental Meditation, and shared with me how the person used their own "mantra" and they could tune in... or something to that effect. He said that if you didn't have you're own mantra, that you could use the "universal mantra" (sort of like God's "1-800" number) "Ohm." I asked how you could get your own mantra, and he said you just come up with something. I've always been fairly sarcastic, so when he said that, I came back with, "So, if I twist myself like a pretzel, make the OK sign with my fingers, and repeat, "Cottage Cheese, Cottage Cheese, Cottage Cheese...." over and over again I'd reach Nirvana? (Hate the band, don't know why I'd want to go there!)... And, when he had stopped laughing, he said yes... pretty much.

"Straining for Nirvana!"

OK... so what does that have to do with anything? The price of rice in China? Llama's in Peru, or bagels in Tel-Aviv? Well, I'll tell you!

Since coming on-board with the VA for my medical care, they're really going the distance to properly diagnose my problems, and see if they can't put me back at 100%! I'm very happy about that! Anyway, in the course of doing this, they ordered an MRI of my hips, sacral vertebrae, and lower back." Well, I'd never been in an MRI machine, and I got a very broad range of stories about other folk's MRI's, and what I could expect. Everything from, "you better hope they knock your ass out, you'll lose your mind!" to "I felt like I was trapped and was going to die." to "the combination of claustrophobia and the loud noise made me crazy!" to "ah, just close your eyes and relax! Nothin' to it!"

The Human Sausage Stuffing Machine - AKA: M.R.I.

I had jokingly told a friend of mine that I was going to close my eyes, and simply pray the 23rd Psalm and the Lord's Prayer over and over again, and I was pretty certain I'd be OK. This friend accepted my plan with a modicum of uncertainty, but that's exactly how I survived my MRI! "They stuffed me in da machine like they was loadin' up a canoli, and commenced to examinizin' my insides." At that point, I simply closed my eyes (thanks Chris!) and began a steady slow breathing, and prayed the 23rd Psalm and the Lord's Prayer. Period.

This is a CANOLI - In case you were not aware. (HA HA! NOW YOU GET IT!)

My only complaint was that it started to get pretty hot inside the tube, and even though they had a fan blowing air down they length of it, it just got warmer and warmer. At one point I opened my eyes to see just how close I really was to the walls, and raised my thumb up only an inch or so and hit wall, so it was PLENTY tight. I decided that there was great wisdom in what my beloved had to say... "keep your eyes shut and relax..."

When I was done, I asked to see the images. I'd never had an MRI, I'd seen one, but not had one - anyway, I looked at all of the images and though I can't say for certain, it did look as though my sacral joints may have something going on (see image below, focus on circled area highlighted in blue) ... but I really can't say. I'll find out on Wed.

The Effected Area

The only other sensation to report was that on occasion, I would get these running little tickles of electricity along the areas closest to the machine wall. It was no worse than the little pads they put on you to stimulate the muscles at a chiropractor - but weird! So, a little discomfort, a tight little space, fingers in the "OK" position, and repeat after me, "Cottage Cheese, cottage cheese......"

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

This Picture Pretty Much Says it All


I've often believed in just such a scenario. Much like ancient Rome... it didn't need the Goths to destroy it; it had long since decayed on the inside.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

The VERY BEST kind of Entry for a Blog!

We go together, like peas in a pod!

Today is our twenty-sixth wedding anniversary!


There is nothing I'd rather write about today than my love for Christine Mareah Davis Hunter! I am so very fortunate to have her. If you know us, you'll understand that statement. I have been given the greatest gift and blessing a man can ever hope for - a beautiful, gracious, lovely and hot sweetheart for life!

My favorite picture of Chris and I

The 25th anniversary is the Silver anniversary - and true to form, it didn't come off in our lives as being anything super special. Chris and I have always played our anniversary very low key for numerous reasons - we forget (Chris more than I believe it or not!), we're tired, we're always broke, or any other myriad of reasons... but not this year. I don't have money. I don't have an extravagant gift to give you - as much as I wish I did. But I have talent in writing. I have words in my heart. I have a venue where anyone in the world can pop on and see how much I love Chris! And Chris can know how proud of her and how wonderful she is in front of all mankind! OK, so it's not silver - so what! I want to focus on the next anniversary.

The next anniversary that gets a "material" assigned to it is the thirtieth, and that material is PEARL. Chris, I am looking forward to the Pearl anniversary because of it's lovely symbolism. A pearl begins typically as a grain of sand, or some other such irritant which gets lodged in the mantle of an oyster. It begins as a small, seemingly nothing speck of sand. Then, as the years progress, the irritation causes the oyster to slowly build up layer upon layer, the lustrous shining pearl. Our marriage is like that. We were one of many couples married that month, that year. And our lives together were very much like many other newlyweds. But there was something wonderful going on in ours... instead of throwing out the irritant at the first sign of struggle, we came together and built on our irritations and by doing so, we built up layer upon layer of beautiful, precious material that shines to our friends and family, and binds us together. I think they made the 30th anniversary a pearl for a reason - it shows determination, hard work, and viewing marital irritants as opportunities for growing together, rather than a source of destruction. If there was ever a jewel to describe our marriage, the pearl is it!

The oyster lives in dangerous waters where it is open to predators, pearl divers, storms and other potential disasters. In spite of all that is pounding away on marriage from the outside, like an oyster, good marriages have a husband and wife that will come together like the halves of an oyster, and protect the soft flesh of love and relationship inside, and especially the pearl signifying our growth and life together, deep inside. Marriage in this country has taken a beating - and if you look at the shell of any oyster, it's anything BUT beautiful. Living in rocky, surf beaten shoals has a way of doing that! And like a lot of people, many would look at the outside of an oyster, and seeing the course shell, the seaweed, and algae, would consider it worthless as an institution, and throw it callously aside - and never stop to consider the potential within.

Chris's and my marriage has been anything but idyllic. Sure, we've had wonderfully passionate moments, a few-fairy-tale like times, and our share of sunsets to enjoy with each other, but Ward and June Cleaver we ain't. Chris is one of six girls in a family of 9 kids. Those of us men fortunate enough to have snagged us a "Davis Woman" found out quick that we had one of the most bull-headed, stubborn, and down-right aggressive females the world had to offer on our hands! She is determined, stubborn, focused and driven. I found out early on that the sheer amount of effort it took to engage in a drawn out fight with Chris was too taxing, and gave up trying to win!

My little sister Lisa and Chris... They're much alike

Which isn't to say that Chris wears the pants in our family - quite the opposite... it's just that Chris doesn't like being told what to do... in fact, she's told me that the word, "NO" to her is much like waving a red cape in front of a bull. It's irresistible - she absolutely MUST do what she wants at this point simply to prove the point that, "ain't no man gonna tell me what I will and will not do. Uh uh - no way, no how, sistah!" (Add your own head bobbing, finger snappin, big eyes, and pursed lips - or look at the gal to the right to get the attitude!) So, I'm no dummy... I figured out how to please my wife - I rarely if EVER say "No" to her! But not why you think... and here's why - Chris is so considerate of me, of our situation, of our fiances etc, that she never asks me without first knowing every single detail of why, and if we can afford it, etc. etc. And I trust her that she has our best interests at heart, so I know it's alright, so I say yes. I trust her. I trust her as much as I love her.

Anyway - sorry for the ramblings here, and to finish the oyster/pearl thing... We've taken the obstacles in our life, and have come together to form something lasting, beautiful, and of great value and worth. I love you Chris!

I recently wrote a poem about how much I love Chris and posted it on PoemHunter on the web. A little old lady (named Mildred - come on... she HAS to be old!) wrote a comment on the poem saying I must do a lot of looking to see all this detail. It's simply called "Chris."

Chris

Simple grace found in a sweet round face;
Eyes that sparkle with mischief and joy;
Cheeks red with passionate blood, and a smile.
O, the smile which always steals away my breath and pain.

Belly laughs from a belly large with life and love;
Eyebrows making question marks as her eyes sparkle
with tears of joy. Her nostrils flare with mirth in a
way I can never imitate!

Hands that knit as easily as they pull weeds, or
make keepsakes for ones she loves. Hands that know
the art of compassion and loving touch - bringing assurance
and peace in a troubled, fisted world.

All are bound up and make up the heartbeat of my life.
The very presence of her makes my life take focus and
assume purpose. It's my luck that these eyes, hands and
softness love me back.

My Muse, and the Love of My Life!

I've also taken some time, being that this is our 26th Anniversary, to write down 26 things that I love about Chris. I could come up with lots more, but this is just a start... afterall, we have a lot more life to make even more!

26 reasons why I love Chris.

  1. Chris is not afraid to be adventurous with fashion.(Her zebra shirt will live in infamy.)
  2. Chris is not a gal that you can run over the top of. (I know there has to be a black woman inside her somewhere -- when she gets mad her head starts bobbing and attitude oozes out of her.)
  3. Chris attracts people to her. I've never known anyone who people want to touch or be around more than Chris. (While we were doing Shiloh, I may have been the pastor, but Chris was the source of comfort for most people who came to church there).
  4. Chris is an amazing mother. Everything from homeschooling to simply go for our children has been done with grace, determination, excellence and finesse. Our children have a tremendous example in their mother.
  5. Chris is genuine and gentle. She has a tough exterior, and inside her heart is very gentle and very vulnerable. Too many times I have hurt her. I wish I could take it back now. With Chris, what you see is what you get, there is no pretense.
  6. Chris is amazingly intelligent. For the longest time, she didn't think she was smart, but her grades in school show that she truly is a genius. Not only is she smart, but she's also intelligent. What I mean by that is, she has great common sense.
  7. Chris is a genuine artist. While other people who engage in scrapbooking and crafts make it look like something that came out of a Mormon bazaar, Chris has a true flair and artistic ability that comes through in everything she does. All of her projects are of such quality that it's hard to believe she is not a professional.
  8. Chris is a powerful woman. Chris has a very strong sense of who she is. She does not rely on other people for her own identity. She is strong. She is self-aware, and she is confident.
  9. Chris has the rare quality of being beautiful inside and out. She thinks I'm joking when I call her my Venus, but I'm not. After all these years, she takes my breath away, and I cannot believe that I am fortunate enough to have her as my wife. Not only is she beautiful on the outside, but she's the most beautiful person I know on the inside. I honestly wish I could be more like her. The things that make her beautiful, are her gentleness, her sincerity and her humor. She is so attractive on so many levels it is very hard to articulate what makes her so beautiful. But she is, and I'm glad she's mine.
  10. I love how Chris helps me to be a better man. Without her I would be a self-centered obnoxious jerk. Like I used to be. Being around Chris makes me want to be a better man.
  11. I love how Chris is others centered. Chris has always put others before herself. She has shown me what it's like to love unconditionally.
  12. I love that Chris knows how to use power tools. It seems a reversal of roles and it is. But I am glad she knows how to repair things. There are so many things that would be broken still today were it not for her skills.
  13. I love the raccoon in Chris. I think it's hilarious that she loves shiny things, and how she spirits them away. It's a good thing she's not really a critter or she'd be stuck in a trap right now.
  14. I love how Chris loves her family. No matter how they treat her she is always kind and gentle with them. When they need to have someone be strong with them, she is. Chris is a master of tough love. But it's never administered unfairly. She is very consistent with how she loves her family.
  15. I love how Chris isn't like her family. Sometimes when I look at her, it's hard for me to believe that she is from the same family. When her family is acting like the Clampitt's, I just sit there and scratch my head, wondering where in the world Chris came from. (And thanking God at the same time!).
  16. I love how unselfish Chris is. She is going to school now so that I don't have to work later on if my body won't let me. That is real sacrificial love. I wish I knew how to do that.
  17. I love how Chris gets excited about what she's reading. I may not want to hear about microbiology, but when she's excited about it it's hard not to listen.
  18. I love how Chris treats animals. When we first met Chris did not like dogs, she would pat them on the head and then go wash her hands. Now she can't live without them. Her dream is to own a ranch somewhere where she can have a hundred dogs. I love watching her with Zim and Bambi. As soon as her lap appears, so do they.
  19. I love Chris's needlework and handiwork. Every time I come up the stairs and look at the Angel in the frame, I'm stunned.
  20. I love Chris thinks about the future. I enjoy talking about seeing Venice and Rome. I love talking about seeing Europe together. I really hope and pray that someday will be able to do it.
  21. I love Chris's sense of wonder. When we were on Guam and would snorkel, I could see the joy in her eyes. I remember sharing the beauty of nature together, and watching the sun set at Agana Beach.
  22. I love how excited Chris gets over gadgets. From her very first microwave oven on Guam to all the little craft gadgets she has to have, she is definitely a gadget junkie. Between her power tools and her electronic gadgets, she truly is a 21st-century woman.
  23. I love how Chris cries over shows like Extreme Home Makeover. Chris has an amazing heart. She's so tender and loving inside, that when she sees others' struggles, she's moved to compassion for them.
  24. I love to watch Chris with her kids. Our kids are SO lucky. I hope they know that. They have - hands down, the best mother that ever graced the face of the earth. I've always been in awe of Chris and the fact that all of our kids - aged 25, 22, and 19 will all still climb into her lap and love on her. The kids will tell their mother anything... and know that she loves them just the same. Amazing.
  25. I love how determined Chris is. Let me share with you how much Chris routinely has on her plate. College classes - her's and Zach's. Untold HOURS of intense study. Tutoring responsibilities. Teaching responsibilities at SLCC. Cleaning the house. Paying the bills and taking care of finances. Repairing things on the fly. Caring for others. Supporting our kids activities. Being a full time mother, wife, and companion. All of this but scratches the surface. But here's the amazing thing - she maintains a 4.0 GPA, the house, her kids, her schedules, her family... and nary breaks a sweat. I'm certain she has super hero underwear on every day!
  26. I love that Chris loves me. There's nothing in the world as sweet as knowing someone loves you completely. Chris loves me completely. It causes me to tear up, and thank God that she is mine, that she is my blessing, she is the love of my life. There's nothing in this world that will ever take her place in my heart. She is my Venus. I love her!

My Family - and the kids who adore their Mom!

I could go on and on - and maybe I will another time, but for now, I just want to say this to Chris:

My darling,

My soul is complete because of you. I am so grateful for everything you are to me - for all you do for me - for all you mean to me. I don't deserve you that much I know - but I want to spend the rest of life with you, to grow old with you, to be with you always, and to make you know that I may not deserve you, but I love you, and will for the rest of my days and beyond.

With all the pearl-building love I can muster,

Mike - Thanks Chris.

All of this, sealed with a kiss!

"Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you.
Rejoice in the wife of your youth.
She is a loving deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts satisfy you always,
May you always be captivated by her love!"
Proverbs 5:18-19

"A worthy wife is a crown for her husband."
Proverbs 12:4

"A wise woman builds her home."
Proverbs 14:1

"The man who finds a wife finds a treasure,
and he receives favor from the Lord!"
Proverbs 18:22

"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious that rubies (or pearls!)
Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life!
She brings him good, no harm,
all the days of her life...
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
She carefully watches everything in her household,
and suffers nothing from laziness.
Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her,
'There are many virtuous and capable women
in the world, but you SURPASS THEM ALL!' "
Proverbs 31:10-12; 25-29

"A quarrelsome wife is as annoying
as constant dripping on a raining day.
Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind,
or trying to hold something with greased hands."
Proverbs 27:15-16

I love you Chris. Happy Anniversary! And let's keep up the irritation so we can build a beautiful legacy for our kids to follow!

With ALL of my love - all for you ALONE,

Mike